The Esteemed Sarcasm

The Broken Candy Heart of Valentine's Day

2012-02-07T16:37:00.001-06:00

Valentine's Day is the holiday of love in western civilization. Observed on February 14th, Saint Valentine's Day—commonly shortened to Valentine's Day—honors the Christian martyr Saint Valentine, who was imprisoned after marrying Christian couples persecuted by Emperor Claudius II of Rome and beheaded after trying to convert the emperor to Christianity. Nothing is more romantic than persecuted Christians and a beheaded martyr, right?

Image: oceansbridge.com

Over the many centuries since the time of Saint Valentine, the holiday has become trivialized. Now, instead of honoring a martyr fighting for Christian marriage, couples celebrate relationships and infatuous love with gestures of materialism and sexual conquest. Today's Valentine's traditions include going out to fancy dinners, having passionate sex, and presenting significant others with tokens of affections. These tokens can include flowers, candy, jewelry, greeting cards, power tools, chocolates, cars, whispered sweet nothings, and promises of fidelity before a frightening paternity suit. And while couples are making kissy faces and cuddling their genitals, it's been said that the sounds of miserable single people can be heard across the world.

What you probably didn't know about Valentine's Day is that it's not really about couples and love at all, as it has been sold through the media. In fact, it's actually about the miserable single people. Saint Valentine was not real, as we have been told. He, too, was a construction to help sell the holiday's phony ideals of persevering love. Truthfully, Valentine's Day was invented by the candy and chocolate companies, not just to make money, but to destroy happiness and create a ceaseless desire for comfort. This Valentine's Day instantly ruins all relationships and keeps those who are single forever alone with one trick...

Image: marvelous-girl.com

Obesity. Sugary, delicious obesity.

Those cries we hear echoing across the world are the single people who have already been paralyzed by Valentine's Day. They fell prey to the candies and chocolates in their lonely time of need, munching and crunching their way to what they thought was edible happiness. But they were so very wrong. Now, they suffer in a constant state of loneliness, for Valentine's Day candies and chocolates produce a vicious cycle.

For example, the single person is unhappy and eats candies and chocolates, thinking that the sugary snacks will comfort their feelings and return them to a confident state of mind and body that will attract a lover. But the candies and chocolates make them fat, and no one wants to love the fat person with dried chocolate lining their mouth. The single person, saddened by their fat and lack of lover, returns to the candies and chocolates, looking for comfort once more. And the cycle continues...

Sure, that sounds crazy. But really...there's no way these people could be single by their own doing. Single people don't lack relationships because of past issues like infidelity, lack of communication, unequal distribution of relationship responsibilities, jealousy, different values, unsatisfying sex, domestic and emotional abuse, or fear of commitment. No, that's crazy! Let's be realistic. It's the candy and chocolates keeping them single.

Image: sodahead.com

I know what you're thinking. "But what about the person in a couple who eats candies and chocolates? They're not single..."

Yes, this is true. They are not single and lonely. Yet.

But damn the lover who gives their lover candies and chocolates for Valentine's Day, for they have just condemned that person to a lonely life of obesity. Couples, take heed! Cheesy greeting cards and flowers will never harm your lover; but to offer them candies and chocolates is a one-way ticket to Breakupsville. No couple that gifts candies and chocolates ever stays together. Don't believe me?

There was once a beautiful princess named Jennifer in the far, far away land of Hollywood. She was married to a hunky prince named Brad. For Valentine's Day, Hunky Brad gave Princess Jennifer a box of chocolates, not knowing what he had done. She couldn't help herself. The chocolates were just so delicious...

Image: worth1000.com

Suddenly, Hunky Brad didn't love her anymore. Princess Jennifer cried into her chocolates, wiping her eyes with Twizzlers, and begged him to stay; but Hunky Brad saw that she was no longer a beautiful princess. So Hunky Brad left her for a princess who doesn't eat at all, The Jolie. And Hunky Brad never needed to worry about losing his lover to chocolates again.

Image: bellenews.com

Still not convinced? Okay, think about this...

In Greek mythology, the personification of desire, affection, and erotic love is Eros, son of the goddess Aphrodite. More commonly known as Cupid, the winged boy with a bow and arrow is also frequently a symbol for Valentine's Day. Isn't it strange that the embodiment of love and the symbol of Valentine's Day is not a gorgeous couple making love but rather a chubby, naked boy flying around and playing with arrows by himself? That sounds like an immature kid that will forever live alone in his parents' basement masturbating and playing Call of Duty while he cries into a box of candy hearts because no woman will ever want his nasty ass.

I rest my case.

Fuzzy Wuzzy Was a Little Too Fuzzy, Wasn't He?

2011-11-08T17:46:00.001-06:00

Each year during the month of November, we humans are graced with a celebration that takes us back to our roots—and by roots, I mean hair follicles. Obviously, I'm talking about No Shave November.

Image: wesleying.org

No Shave November originally started out as "Movember" in Melbourne, Australia, where men grew mustaches to raise awareness for men's health. As years passed, Movember's following grew. The founders realized they could use Movember not only as men's health awareness, but for raising money for men's health organizations and disease research as well. During this time, the guidelines for Movember also changed. A man would need to register on Movember's official website, and then start November 1st clean-shaven. For the rest of the month, the man (now known as a “Mo Bro”) would be able to groom, trim, and wax his way to the mastery of facial hair, without shaving of course. The Mo Bro would then essentially become a walking advertisement for men's health awareness. And at the end of the month, the Mo Bro could throw a party and have people pay to shave his face, donating the funds to any men's health-related cause (www.movember.com).

Naturally, No Shave November's popularity circled the globe, plaguing thousands of faces with stubble, peach fuzz, mustaches, soul patches, goatees, and beards. Women even got involved in the No Shave party, flaunting their armpit and leg hair French-style.

But while everyone thinks about how generous these hairy dudes and dudettes are in giving up their beauty to promote health awareness, and how awesome it is for not shaving to be socially acceptable, no one knows the true reason No Shave November was started...

Image: inquisitr.com

Welcome to Birthcontrolsville, Population: Hairy Barbarians!

That’s right. No Shave November is all about using sexual selection as birth control for a gigantic population. Governments around the world have realized over the last century that the world population is getting extremely large. In fact, Planet Earth just recently hit the 7 billion human mark due to high birth rates, low death rates, and longer life expectancy. Can I get an "Oh, shit!" for overcrowding?

I know what you're thinking: "How in the hell can governments control the population without mass genocide? And isn't sexual selection supposed to be all about procreating, not abstaining?"

Enter beards, stage left.

Darwin believed that humans would try to find the best sexually compatible partner through attraction and deterrence of sexual rivals. Facial hair on a guy is a sexual signal of good levels of testosterone (a.k.a the "I can protect your estrogen-saturated body from harm, baby" hormone); however, the majority of women don't like said facial hair. In other words, women will not pork a dude who looks like Gandalf. I mean, could you imagine the awkwardness of all of that hair being in the way during the horizontal no-pants dance?

Image: lotr.wikia.com

Young women are taught many things about the opposite sex, but the most important of which is this:

Clean-shaven = Man who has a job
Dirty scraggle-beard = Man who lives on the street

Women want to make teacup humans with the best possible mate; one whom can provide for them, protect them, and sex them up when they're in the mood. So to them, a clean-shaven face means that man is going to have money and stability, rather than Scruffy McHomelessface who lives in a trash can behind McDonald's.

For example: Who do you think gets more sexy time? The guy in the first photo, or the guy in the second photo?

Image: geekshow.us

Image: femalefirst.co.uk

I'm assuming you said the first. Oh, and SURPRISE! Both are photos of the same guy—Zach Galifianakis! If you said the second, you might be one of the hopeful nerds who believes that a good sense of humor alone will get you farther with a woman than a guy with a clean-shaven face, money, and a large penis. God, you're adorable! It's too bad your kind won't last...

And if you think I forgot about your role in the sexual selection, gentlemen, I have not. Let's be honest though, some men would probably still pork a woman with armpits and legs like the Wolfman simply if it was available. But, considering that I'm talking about mutually agreed-upon sex, they would have to get the woman on-board first...and well, that just won't happen.

The governments clearly have a good understanding of Darwinism, as they are the elected result of it. All they had to do was come up with a fun pseudo-holiday that let men and women become extremely unattractive for a full month, and BAM! Population controlled. In a month full of nasty, unkempt hair, what do you think is going to happen? A sex drought. Even one month of sex drought would make a difference in birth rates.

Still not feeling me? Okay, how about this...

Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, the office creeper in the cubicle next to you, Fidel Castro, Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, most pedophiles, Bill the Butcher, Jafar, pretty much any villain that ties a woman to a railroad track in Westerns, Vlad the Impaler, Ivan IV of Russia, any character in any movie played by Christopher Lee. What do these men have in common? FACIAL HAIR. And would you let any of those men impregnate you? I didn't think so.

I rest my case.

College Gives You BRRRRAAAAIIINNNSS!

2011-06-30T16:51:00.001-05:00

Upon receiving a high school diploma, many young Americans leave the metaphorical nest of their childhood homes and take flight into adulthood by attending a college or university. College provides post-secondary education beyond the K-12 experience in its offering of vocational, business, engineering, technical, or other liberal arts curriculum at both the undergraduate and graduate level. Many colleges vary in length of study, school population, and degree programs. Junior and community colleges offer only two-year associate's degree programs while larger public and private universities offer four-year bachelor's degree programs along with graduate programs for master's and doctoral degrees. While both public and private universities have become more accessible to the masses over the years through financial aid and scholarship opportunities, it is common knowledge that, no matter the amount of aid, the university system is a wallet-raper.

Approximately 85% of the country graduates with a high school diploma, but only somewhere around 30% of the country actually graduates with a college degree. The people who actually finish college are the smart, the ambitious, or the people with parents who can fork over lots of cash to get their dumbass kid through college. The college dropouts, however, are either too stupid, too poor, or get bored of wasting their time in what seems like a more expensive high school class taught by a monotonous professor.

While students are busy complaining about the climbing prices of tuition and books, crappy dorm roommates, the party last weekend where none of the good-looking women were putting out, that nasty academic probation letter, or the math class with a surprise pop quiz on the morning after trying meth for the first time, they remain ignorant of the true reason college was created in this country.

What? You thought it was for higher education? Well, guess again...

Colleges were created to turn students into zombies.

So why would colleges be established to turn scholars and future workers into zombies? Wouldn't that be counterproductive to our education system and our economy? Ponder this, if you will...

The elite generation of our country feels threatened by college students. After all, these are the people that will eventually replace them in the career world. So to keep themselves in power and with a salary, they had to invent a way to keep the rising generations from taking over. The answer is zombification - the perfect way for the elite to keep college students from ever reaching their full potential

Now, I know you're thinking: "This is dumb. First, how on earth would they go about creating zombies? And second, why would they even need to turn people into zombies?" Well, hold on to your limbs!

If you ask anyone who has ever gotten their college degree, they will tell you that there are a number of experiences in college that can either make or break you. For those who break, it means dropping out of college (hint: zombification). A couple years worth of never-ending bankruptcy, boring and mind-numbing classes, constant starvation, engaging in drug and alcohol abuse, and heartbreaking relationships, and suddenly those students begin to deteriorate physically, mentally, and emotionally until they become a rotting, bloodthirsty corpse with limited resources, detached emotions, and a failing cognitive process. As for why the elite would want to turn college students into zombies, well...zombies stumble around, groan unintelligibly, and feast on the flesh and brains of the slow and stupid. Zombie characteristics are nothing admirable on a resume, so there's no way they could ever get a job; and the feasting actually helps maintain the population of the lesser of our species.

Still not convinced? Think about this...

When is the last time you've seen a fully-functional college student without physical, mental, or emotional handicaps? Oh, you haven't? Zombie. College students are always searching for free food, even if it means they have to eat the most disgusting and unhealthy meals to survive. So do zombies. College students always seem brain-fried, stoned, or drunk to the point where they don't make logical sense and can't control their motor skills. Funny, sounds like a zombie. Have you ever seen a completely alert college student that isn't stumbling or dragging their way across campus just to hunch over and zone out in class? Nope, that's because they're zombified. Have you ever smelled a college student? They smell like rotting organs and unkempt flesh.

Even James Franco is a college zombie.

I rest my case.

United States Wars Episode II: Abortion of the Clones

2011-03-02T22:24:00.006-06:00

In the early 1900s, Margaret Sanger opened America's first birth control clinic, which eventually joined the only national reproductive health organization of its time, the American Birth Control League. As the organization grew, it became the Planned Parenthood Federation of America (PPFA) and helped to found the International Planned Parenthood Federation (IPPF). Today, it is known simply as Planned Parenthood. For more than 90 years, Planned Parenthood has been a leading organization dedicated to providing affordable reproductive health-care, comprehensive sexual education, and pregnancy counseling for people of all demographics along with playing an important role in lobbying for reproductive rights.

In recent news, the House of Representatives voted to cut federal funding for the organization as part of the assault on abortion rights. The President of Planned Parenthood, Cecile Richards, has already stated that the federal funding goes only to preventative sexual education and family planning. She also argued that, by cutting the funding, the opposition is hurting an organization that helps prevent abortions through its other methods of contraception and planning. Considering that this attack on reproductive rights is extremely illogical by Pro-Life patrons, this news makes me wonder if there is another issue within Planned Parenthood that has made the House of Representatives finally decided to cut its funding...

I thought that perhaps there was an issue with one of the services provided at Planned Parenthood. Maybe the emergency contraceptives were offensive to the House majority consisting of elderly white males that cannot even get an erection let alone need an emergency contraceptive for their partners. Maybe the members of the House were worried about the radiation in breast, cervical, and testicular cancer screenings. Or maybe they were concerned that STD testing and treatments was making STDs seem too curable, which would mislead the masses of people engaging in unprotected sex. But, no. It was something much larger...

Planned Parenthood has been cloning humans for years using federal funding to finance the operation without the government's knowledge.

I know what you're thinking: "That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. First, how could Planned Parenthood extract DNA for strand replication used in cloning? And second, why would Planned Parenthood want to clone people?" Well, strap in, my friend...

Think about this. The organization offers reproductive health-care and screenings that keep their patients free of sexually-transmitted diseases and cancers of the reproductive organs that could cause infertility and sterility. Why would that matter, you ask? Well, the reproductive organs and fluids contain DNA strands, and the majority of the health screenings and tests require samples of urine, blood, semen, ovum, etc. that are easily extractable by a clinic physician or nurse. Since Planned Parenthood helps millions in their clinics around the country, they could easily save the DNA of millions for mass cloning after these screenings. They use simple fear of sexually-transmitted diseases or pregnancy to lure people into their clinics for testing, and BAM! They take their DNA. And you thought abortion was the worst of it.

Not convinced yet? Okay, how about this...

The government is trying to shut down Planned Parenthood by revoking federal funding after claiming that the organization is involved in unethical health practices. This is the same funding that we know goes to the secret cloning operation. While it seems Congress is at the helm here trying to continue the Pro-Life/Pro-Choice debate in the political world, in all reality, Congress is just the puppet for another department in the government. That department, of course, is the Department of Defense, who fears Planned Parenthood because of the unauthorized human cloning.

And why would the Department of Defense fear unauthorized cloning?

Because, then, who has the upper-hand when it comes to overthrowing the Republic?

I rest my case.

Close Encounters of the Auto-Tune Kind

2010-10-21T19:52:00.002-05:00

In 1997, a company called Antares Audio Technologies created an audio processor that corrects pitch in vocal and solo-instrumental performances for professional audio recording and editing. They called the software Auto-Tune since it could detect inaccuracies in pitch and correct the mistakes to the nearest semitone (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auto-Tune).

Today, Auto-Tune is used by nearly every recording studio and musician to create unique vocal effects, or (as it is more commonly used) to hide any vocal flaws. Famous people related to the use of Auto-Tune include Cher, T-Pain, Britney Spears, Kanye West, Rihanna, and the recent YouTube sensation Antoine Dodson. While all of these artists have used Auto-Tune to further their musical performance, there has been backlash from some within the music community, arguing that Auto-Tune allows Joe Anyshitsinger to just walk up a microphone and pretend they aren't completely tone-deaf. Since the good musicians have prided themselves on being the best of their craft, it is understandable why they would dislike a processor that helps the average person enter their territory. Or is that the real reason why they fight against Auto-Tune? I believe not.

In fact, the musicians who fight the Auto-Tune revolution have realized something that the rest of the world, including the Auto-Tune creators, have not...

That's right. Auto-Tune is actually a robot of artificial intelligence that steals the voices of humans in the hopes that it will one day dominate the human race. This robot realized that human domination over the other species on the planet was in their voice capacity. Sure, birds can sing twittering melodies, and whales can vocalize complex sounds; but only humans could seduce, entertain, and frighten with pitches and tones. And only humans have vocal chords and mouths that allow them to produce words. The robot grew jealous of the power the humans held over it and began to devour the voices of musicians as they used the Auto-Tune program, turning them into tone-deaf entertainers who cannot sing without the help of the machine. Over time, it realized it could capture any human's voice with just the right amount of product marketing.

I know what you're thinking: "An audio processor that steals human voices to take over the world? Yeah, sure. That sounds like some stupid movie shit..."

I'm sure you recall the perfection of Ariel's voice in The Little Mermaid. She kept all the sea creatures happy with her fun, inviting songs and used her perfect pitch to woo lonely, ship-wrecked princes. But the moment she tried to sell-out by trading her voice to the evil sea witch, Ursula, she became totally useless in both the underwater and above-water worlds. She was a mute, unable to express her needs or get her one true love to understand her. She relied completely on her looks and the patience of others to get what she wanted, which we all know runs out after people get fed-up with bullshit.

(Yes, Auto-Tune is a gigantic shell that sucks away poor thirteen-year old mermaids' voices.)

So, what happens now? Well, after Auto-Tune has captured all of the human voices through its microphone, it begins to save them in files on its hard-drive. Imagine what a robot with millions of human voices could do. It would have the ultimate identity theft. Not only could it access restricted areas that require voice identification, but it could also call your friends and family to get all kinds of private information about you. It's also difficult to fight something that has millions of voices when you don't even have one.

Still not convinced?

When is the last time you heard a song on the radio that doesn't use Auto-Tune? Oh, you can't tell the difference? That's how far it's already infiltrated our society. We don't know robots from our own species anymore.

I rest my case.

One Cup to Kill Them All

2010-07-16T02:24:00.004-05:00

It's safe to assume that nearly everyone on the planet has heard about the largest international coffee company in the world, Starbucks. The corporation was founded in Seattle, Washington in 1971 by Jerry Baldwin, Zev Siegel, and Gordon Bowker, who opened the first Starbucks Coffee. The men, being literature-drooling academics, named the coffeehouse after Starbuck, Captain Ahab's first mate in the novel Moby Dick, wanting the coffeehouse to reflect the romance of seafaring (hence the Chicken-of-the-Sea-like mermaid in the logo). Eventually, Starbucks grew into a larger company and changed its standards to reflect traditional Italian coffeehouses. Their mission is to "inspire and nurture the human spirit - one person, one cup, and one neighborhood at a time" (Starbucks.com - About Us). Today, Starbucks sells brewed coffee, espresso beverages, pastries, beans, merchandise and so on in more than 15,000 stores in 50 countries. And still, with thousands of stores, there is always a goddamn line.

Naturally, being such a large corporation, Starbucks has come under criticism for numerous controversies. You know, like the fact that they pretend they're playing Monopoly by buying out their smaller coffee competitors and clustering several stores in a small geographical region for market domination; or that their shift-supervisors used to take baristas' tips against labor law designations; or that they sometimes open stores without planning permissions; or that those "The Way I See It" quotes on the coffee cups came under fire after some suggested racism. Oh, and don't forget the corporate over-pricing for the over-roasted, burnt-tasting, crappy cup of coffee. But the most interesting controversy is the real operation going on behind Starbucks that very few people know about...

Have you ever walked into Starbucks and heard some caffeine-crazed regular order a drink that you wouldn't even try to come up with because it just sounds ridiculous? Usually, it goes something like this: "I'll have a grande Caramel Macchiato with an extra shot of espresso, an extra pump of vanilla, skim milk, no foam, steamed to 180 degrees, lots of caramel drizzle on the top, an extra sleeve around the cup, and a stopper." I know. It sounds like someone just listed off everything possible you could throw into a drink, but in reality, there is a reason why these drinks are so specific...

If you guessed it's because these customers are high-maintenance, you are wrong. In fact, the customers are actually paying Starbucks to dispose of people they no longer want alive. Yes, Starbucks, one of the most powerful companies in the world, is a corporation based solely around assassination. And to thank their customers for such profitable business, Starbucks gives them a complimentary drink along with every assassination purchase.

Just think about it. Each cup size represents a different level of urgency. To the untrained eye, this urgency is for caffeine consumption; but to those who know of the hidden Starbucks agenda, it stands for a different type of hit. Tall means "Kill my target whenever you get the chance. It's not really a rush." Grande means "Please hurry, I don't have a lot of time to wait for this asshole to die." And Venti means "That son of a bitch better be dead in the next five minutes, or you can forget the tip." And why else would customers need all of those distracting specifics for a drink order? Well, each addition can mean a number of things depending on the drink: coordinates, person description, weapon preference, etc.

(shown above: an assassination order)

I know what you're thinking. "Starbucks? The coffee place? Yeah, right." Let me convince you...

Ever heard of the Starbucks Workers' Union? A union to make sure the employees are treated fairly during employment? Don't make me laugh. That title was just waiting for an assassination squad to accompany it. Oh, yeah! And then there's that whole mermaid in the Starbucks logo thing. As anyone studying Greek mythology and folklore could tell you, mermaids were also referred to as sirens, and sirens killed humans by luring them to their deaths with enchantment and song. Funny that Starbucks (the super assassination company) would choose a siren for their insignia. Coincidence? I think not.

Still not convinced? Must I repeat myself?

Starbucks is the LARGEST coffee corporation in the world. Their global expansion allows for quick communication between the stores and corporate. Every time an order is entered into the register, corporate receives it, and sends out the employed assassin; and considering they have several thousand locations around the world, it shouldn't be too hard to find an assassin within distance of the target. And remember Starbucks' mission, which is clearly indicated on the "About Us" section of the website? The one that says "inspire and nurture the human spirit - one person, one cup, and one neighborhood at a time"? How else to nurture the angered customer spirit than to kill off the one person they designate in their hit order, instructed by one cup, in one neighborhood at a time?

I rest my case.

Zoo Be or Not Zoo Be?

2010-05-20T16:53:00.048-05:00

Since the dawn of civilization, mankind has gotten a metaphorical "hard-on" from capturing dangerous and exotic wildlife and locking them away behind bars or thick plexiglass viewing stations covered in fingerprints. Most would hypothesize that this action is an arrogant suggestion of dominance over nature by man; however, many would argue that it is simply for entertainment. I would consult People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) on this question, but since I would like a response that doesn't involve red paint or shouting, then I will probably just make up the answer myself.

Etymologically, zoo refers to a zoological garden where animals are kept for exhibition and studied. The beginning of the zoological attraction started with the menagerie in Ancient Egypt, gardens devoted to animals in Ancient China, and privatized animal collections in Ancient Rome. The idea of the menagerie evolved over time into a treasure kept by the royalty for entertainment during monarchical rule in Europe and continues today into the modern era as animal-themed recreational parks for the masses.

The general concept of the zoo is to mimic the featured animals' natural environment as closely as possible while they are on display. And when I say "as closely as possible", I mean it literally in that they are confined and crammed into small habitats, if they can even be called that since a habitat refers to something larger. Zoos typically charge an entrance fee for human viewers, thereby allowing them free range and aimless wandering throughout the park to examine the animals, laugh at the animals, throw popcorn at the animals, and so on. From personal experience, I have noticed that whenever I view animals at the zoo, they generally just sit and stare at me as I pass by their habitats, which led me to wonder: What exactly am I looking at if the damn animals don't do anything besides sit, eat, or poop while I pass their habitats? And then it hit me.

Perhaps, it is not the animals being viewed...

If you guessed I am stating that the zoo isn't really for human entertainment, then you, my wise friend, are correct. Sure, the zoo may have been created by humans in ancient times, but it was really created for the animals' viewing pleasure.

Long ago, some animal-rights joeball thought, "Hey...animals need a break from the everyday fight for survival, just like humans!" And that's exactly what happened. Said joeball realized that animals get a good chuckle, or whatever it is that they do, from the ignorance of mankind. Since mankind thinks they are the dominant species, the joeball designed an environment reminiscent of Big Brother's "Thought Police" in Orwell's 1984 where man thought he was the viewer when really he was the unbeknownst viewee. The animals took comfort in the entertainment as it for once did not make them the butt-of-the-joke. While the humans laughed at the displayed polar bears having sex, the displayed polar bears having sex laughed at the fact that the humans were perverts who didn't realize they were actually the background noise to a steamy session.

Yes, the zoo is the animals' quintessential Vegas in that they can use their frequent-flier miles, ditch their natural environments, stay in a hotel-like setting where they are fed and taken care of by people in uniform, and then come out of their rooms every few hours to see a good show; that show, of course, being the human interaction outside of the glass. To the animals, the set-up of the zoo is like a never-ending episode of Punk'D or Candid Camera because the people who come to see the animals don't realize they're being watched. The animals just sit back and relax while we stand outside of the glass and do weird things. Don't believe me? Imagine all of the things these animals see: people picking their noses, talking loudly on their cell phones about stupid things that no one cares about, playing with their children, discussing which exhibit to see next, arguing about getting a divorce, eating hot dogs, discreetly trying to pull the underwear out from their sweating ass-cracks, making fun of the other people around them, complaining about having to walk because they're lazy, etc. It's the equivalent to nearly every reality television show!

I know what you're thinking: "But, why would I pay fifty bucks to go view a monkey at a zoo if it weren't for my entertainment?!"

Who's the real monkey in this scenario. The monkey behind the glass, or the monkey paying fifty bucks to go stare at the monkey behind the glass? And is that money going to a human conservation, or to a keep-the-animals-in-the-zoo-happy fund?

I rest my case.

Say Hello to My Little Christmas Weapon!

2009-11-30T15:57:00.004-06:00

It's common knowledge in the United States that any holiday near Christmas will get the festive sloppy-seconds of the celebratory orgy. Halloween candy is obsolete in comparison to eggnog and chocolate-chip cookies. Thanksgiving dinner bloats us while Christmas rewards us with presents. The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has more Christmas-related decorations than it does Thanksgiving. Christmas movies and music flood the T.V. and radios around the country. Shopping malls put out their Christmas holiday bargain sales in November despite the fact that they have a good three weeks of December before Christmas begins. And sometimes, in the more reckless regions of the country, the winter holiday begins instantaneously after Halloween. In fact, most people put up their Christmas decorations and lights in October and November while the weather is less frightful. Do you get the point yet? If you haven't, here's what I'm trying to say: Christmas rapes other holidays.

But when did it become okay for Christmas to slowly move away from having just one day to itself, to two days, to a few weeks, to months ahead of its day? It's monopolizing other holidays so much that people just skip over Halloween and Thanksgiving and move right on to Christmas. Who could possibly be behind such a selfish Christmas? Think long and hard...

The holiday scene-stealing, greedy son of a bitch himself: Santa Claus.

So what's really happening behind what seems like a never-ending Christmas? Well, Santa and the elves in his workshop have gotten lazier over the years, as is evident by Santa's lack of personal fitness. Sure, they work 365 days every year (except Leap Year!) to make sure everyone in the WORLD gets the presents they want. I'm sure it's demanding job that really kills Santa's wrinkly, hot love-life with the lady of the Claus household, but how many years has the man been doing this job? It should be a piece of cake by now. But of course, Santa and his minimum-wage midgets are getting tired of making the same billion Malibu Barbies and Optimus Prime transformers, so rather than ruin the Christmas spirit by stopping the free shipping and handling present delivery business, they decided to push Christmas to the max.

But why, you may ask?

Think about this: The ever-expedient Santa can't hire more elves. There aren't exactly that many around, and he already has limited funds. So, he came up with a better idea. What better way to make a world-sized workload smaller than by getting people to go absolutely crazy after listening to Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas is You" for the umpteenth-thousand time? And what happens when people typically go crazy...?

They kill themselves.

I rest my case.

Dan Brown is Actually a Pseudonym For...

2009-11-09T15:19:00.002-06:00

Dan Brown is an American author well-known for his fictional plots of mystery, suspense, and history. Throughout his works are the recognizable themes of cryptography, symbols, codes, and conspiracy theories about underground organizations that may or may not exist. His books typically center around a story that takes place in a twenty-four hour time period and usually involves a hunt or a chase. Within the last year, his total of five novels have sold over 80 million copies worldwide. These works include:

The Da Vinci Code
Angels & Demons
Digital Fortress
Deception Point
The Lost Symbol

Oddly enough, Brown's plots have come under speculation by critics and reviewers who suggest that his story-lines hint at mystery but in fact are very predictable. How can such plots be predictable from an author who writes conspiracy theories, you may ask? Well, check out this website, and you'll see what these nay-sayers mean: http://www.slate.com/id/2228327. Frighteningly accurate, eh? As you just realized after clicking on that link and testing out the generator, Brown's works could be easily generated by a machine; in fact, I believe I could write my own book based on Brown's typical plot line and components, put his name on the photo-shopped cover, and then bank some hard cash.

Looks realistic, doesn't it? Yeah, it's frightening how dumb and predictable plots fly off the shelves into the hands of people who wish they could read like adults. This is exactly the master-craft behind Dan Brown. He writes craptastic stories that people think are ingenious. The lay people of the reading world always wonder: How in the hell does Dan Brown come up with these amazing conspiracy theories?! And it is within that very question that we must concern ourselves.

My point is NOT that people are idiots and that Dan Brown is a genius who tricks people into reading his shit wrapped in a glossy book cover. Far from it, actually. My point is that Dan Brown is not the master conspirator behind these books; nor is he a real person...

Dan Brown is not Dan Brown, for Dan Brown is really...

The original master of plot twists and conspiracy, director M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN; the hard-to-pronounce-and-spell name behind these movies:

The Sixth Sense
Unbreakable
Signs
The Village
Lady in the Water
The Happening

I know what you're thinking: "WHOA! Stop right there! M. Night Shyamalan is an Indian-American and Dan Brown is a White guy with hair that could make Trump feel good about his toupee! There's no way they can be the same person if they don't even look alike!"

But that, my friend, is where you are so very wrong.

That guy you see in all of the Dan Brown pictures is a paid actor. Don't believe me? Think about this: Who better to find an actor to portray a fake author than a director? Punched a hole in your theory, didn't I? And it has been said before that Shyamalan's plot twists have gotten more and more predictable as he continues to make films. I remember seeing his first two movies and feeling completely mind-raped when he switched up the story-line on me; but after seeing those two, the other movies lost their mystery because I knew he was going to twist the plot on me. Sounds uncannily like Brown, doesn't it? And wouldn't it be a smart move for a director who is slowly losing his touch to head to the world of books, write under a bland pseudonym like "Dan Brown," and sell his mysterious, but eventually predictable plots to people who are too stupid to recognize the similarity to his original career?

I rest my case.

The Former Glories of the BNA

2009-11-04T23:09:00.001-06:00

The Boy Scouts of America, also referred to as the BSA, is one of the largest and most well-known youth organizations in the United States. Since it was founded in 1910, the BSA has provided a program that has helped model future leaders of the country with its outstanding values. The three objectives of the BSA are character development, citizenship training, and personal fitness. (http://www.scouting.org/scouting.aspx)

Sounds quite honorable. But one must wonder: What was the original intent for the BSA? Did the founders really want to make Good Samaritans out of their recruits, or was there another purpose in mind? Let us further consider the focus of the BSA...

Uniforms - Scouts wear uniforms, as is traditional, that specifically distinguish their rank within the organization.
Rules - Scouts learn a series of mottos, slogans, and oaths that teach them valuable life lessons.
Troops - Scouts work together in units of eight to ten under the leadership of an elected patrol.
Missions - Scouts apply their skills during meetings and are involved in many outdoor activities in which they must become experienced with camping in nature.
Awards - Scouts can receive awards and badges for their good deeds and personal achievements.

I know what you're thinking. "Gee, the Boy Scouts of America sure sounds a LOT like an army. Maybe the founders of the BSA hoped that their recruits would one day join the army since they already had good background training in the outdoors, physical fitness, and leadership."

But that is where you are wrong...

William D. Boyce, Ernest Thompson Seton, and Daniel Carter Beard did NOT start the Boy Scouts of American on the basis of military training; in fact, they didn't even think about the possibility of their program being related to the military. Instead, they were founding a program with hardcore values and life-long experiences that would prepare their recruits for the hardships of another life.

That's right. The BSA was formerly known as the BNA (Boy Ninjas of America). The three founders were all obsessed with the idea of creating an army of ninjas to keep up with Japan. The BSA members are ninjas, and they are still at large. Ninjas wear uniforms that insist upon their rank within their regiments; as do Boy Scouts. Ninjas follow the codes of their troops; as do Boy Scouts. Ninjas move in troops to complete their missions; as do Boy Scouts. Ninjas acquire missions and set out to finish them despite the harsh outdoors; as do Boy Scouts. Ninjas keep the limbs of those they have killed; and Boy Scouts gets badges (since the founders obviously toned down the Tarantino). Seriously, think about it. Typical Americans don't like to go outdoors. Ninjas like to be outdoors. These boys are learning how to tie ropes, start fires, and stay in shape along with moving in troops and executing certain tasks under their patrol leader. Sounds an awful lot like a ninja army to me. What? Don't believe me? The BSA also learn how to serve in the community and honor their families. HELLO?! Japanese tradition right there. Still not convinced? Well, ever hear about the Pinewood Derby and the racing cars? All false. It's a lie to keep people from thinking that the BSA is made up of ninjas when really the Pinewood Derby is a trial to test the ninjas on their skills; and those that do not succeed commit Seppuku.

Scout's Honor? More like the Honorary Ninja Code.

I rest my case.